Why do we still discriminate?

First version

 

The day I found out my second son was gay I felt devastated. I had suspected that he might be for some months after googling a lot about the way he acted and what he said or didn’t say. The internet provided me with many horror stories on how hard his like and our lives as his family were going to be because he was gay. The internet also revealed that there were many way we could help him become less gay or possibly cure him of being gay altogether, things like therapy and special diets that other parents swore by. There were also a small amount of happy stories telling how families had accepted their child was gay and were happy about it. There were even some stories of gay adults who were happy that they were gay and didn’t want to be fixed.

 But mostly the internet told me that my child being gay was not a good thing and so when it was confirmed to me that yes he was in fact gay I was devastated.

When I told some people he was gay that said they were sorry and looked at me with pity. Other people told me that he totally didn’t seem gay so if he was that he would probably be just mildly gay so I was very lucky. A lot of people told me to try the therapies and the diets to see if they would reduce the severity of his gayness and so we did do the diets for a while and also some therapy but it didn’t seem to make any difference.

But my boy was so happy and I loved him and after a while I wondered if there was anything bad about being gay after-all? When I was pregnant with him I has wished for a healthy happy baby and that it was he was. I felt lucky I realised.

Still other people didn’t seem to understand that being gay was just a difference not a negative. A teacher at school told me with a happy smile that he had read of a gay teen who was doing amazingly straight things and really was inspiring as when he was a child he had been totally gay but it made me feel sad that people feel that gay people are only successful when they are behaving like straight people. Another Mother at school patted me on the shoulder kindly and told me not to lose hope as my son darted around acting flamboyantly gay in the playground. I felt sad that other parents assumed that I needed hope. At Christmas we spent time with extended family and a family member said my son just seemed ‘fine’ and not gay at all. But to me he is gay and that IS fine.

It turns out that this year I found out that my third son is also gay. I didn’t need to feel devastated this time around as I knew that this was no problem at all but I feel for those families who are just finding out and are surrounded by information that is telling them something is wrong with their child. There is nothing wrong with being different and that is all being gay is.

I am currently pregnant with our 4^th child. Sadly the first thing some people ask is “what are the chances that she will be gay too?” My answer: “Probably pretty high, but we will love her even if she’s not”

 

Can’t believe this happened in this day and age in New Zealand? It didn’t but here is what did.

 

 

Second version

 

The day I found out my second son had autism I felt devastated. I had suspected that he might be autistic for some months after googling a lot about the way he acted and what he said or didn’t say. The internet provided me with many horror stories on how hard his life and our lives as his family were going to be because he had autism. The internet also revealed that there were many way we could help him become less or autistic and possibly cure him of autism altogether, thing like therapy and special diets that other parents swore by. There were also a small amount of happy stories telling how families had accepted their child had autism and were happy about it. There were even some stories of autistic adults who were happy that they had autism and didn’t want to be fixed.

 But mostly the internet told me that my child having autism was not a good thing and so when it was confirmed to me that yes he was in fact autistic I was devastated.

When I told some people he had autism that said they were sorry and looked at me with pity. Other people told me that he totally didn’t seem autistic so if he was that he would probably be just mildly affected so I was very lucky. A lot of people told me to try the therapies and the diets to see if they would reduce the severity of his autism and so we did do the diets for a while and also some therapy but it didn’t seem to make any difference.

But my boy was so happy and I loved him and after a while I wondered if there was anything bad about being autistic after-all? When I was pregnant with him I has wished for a healthy happy baby and that it was he was. I felt lucky I realised.

Still other people didn’t seem to understand that autism was just a difference not a negative. A teacher at school told me with a happy smile that he had read of a teen with autism who was doing amazingly neurotypical things and really was inspiring as when he was a child he had been severely autistic but it made me feel sad that people feel that autistic people are only successful when they are behaving like neurotypical people. Another Mother at school patted me on the shoulder kindly and told me not to lose hope as my son darted around spinning and flapping in the playground. I felt sad that other parents assumed that I needed hope. At Christmas we spent time with extended family and a family member said my son just seemed ‘fine’ and not different at all. But to me he is different and that IS fine.

It turns out that this year I found out that my third son also has autism. I didn’t need to feel devastated this time around as I knew that this was no problem at all but I feel for those families who are just finding out and are surrounded by information that is telling them something is wrong with their child. There is nothing wrong with being different and that is all autism is.

I am currently pregnant with our 4^th child. Sadly the first thing some people ask is “what are the chances that she will be autistic too?” My answer: “Probably pretty high, but we will love her even if she’s not”

 

 

Like everyone else in the world people with autism and other special needs don’t need our pity. They need our support to be who they are because who they are is wonderful.

Different not less.

 

 

photos from the school holidays

First day back at school and kindy for the boys today. I miss them already but am really looking forward to the Summer holidays when they get about 6 whole weeks off :)
These photos are from a local bushwalk we did about a week ago.

These are from one of our many visits to a local park

Celebrate

After not posting anything here for aaaagggeeesss I spent a while looking through all the old posts. It's so nice to see the old photos of the boys, they have all grown so much! I want to write about some of my old posts, in particular this one. I almost feel a bit embarrassed that I felt "devastated" when Mikko was diagnosed with autism. I know it's not unusual for parents to feel like that but I'd hate to think that Mikko might read that one day and think that I still feel that way - I totally don't! I am oh so happy and feel very lucky and proud of all three of our boys.

It's actually pretty easy to see how people get the idea that autism is something to be devastated about. When I google it the first few pages are the usual wiki type descriptions, how to tell if your kid has autism type quizzes and then how to cure your kid's autism. It's no wonder parents who are waiting for a diagnosis for their child or just received one feel like there is something wrong with their child that they need to fix.

The thing is, my child is happy and therefore so am I. When I was pregnant I always hoped that my baby would be happy and healthy and thankfully they are. I didn't wish for happy, healthy and wired just like me or wish that they would enjoy the things I do or that they would be a masterful conversationilst. The world would be a less interesting place if we were all the same anyway. Imagaine if you really wanted a daughter but had a son. Would it be okay to try to change him, seek therapy to cure him even though he is happy as himself, a boy? Mikko is exactly the way he is supposed to be and he is where he is supposed to be doing the thing he's supposed to be doing. He's not what I was expecting but he is awesome and who am I to try to change him! I love him exactly the way he is. That's not to say that I don't want to help him cope with the world and navigate to find his own place in it but his autism doesn't need to be taken away to do that. I think that perhaps the biggest hurdle for Mikko to overcome will be other people's ignorance but I will be there to help him all the way. I don't like it when people ask me when I first realised something was "wrong" with Mikko as there is nothing wrong with him, he is jus different. In fact I answer the question with "there is nothing wrong with him, he has autism" but feel like answering with "you go first, when did you realise something was wrong with you?". Another one which can be upsetting is " how bad is mikko's autism?" My answer: "it's not bad at all, he's wonderful and he has very high needs.". Or when you tell someone that your child has autism and they say "I'm sorry". I am not sorry! He's not sick, he hasn't died, he is happy and well so there is no need for anyone to be sorry. I wouldn't be sorry if your child had autism so no one needs to be sorry that mine does. Yes, it can be hardwork, I won't deny that.
At 7pm when we get the boys into bed I am exhausted physically and mentally and pretty much lounge on the couch till bedtime! But hardwork isn't bad or sad or regrettable. Being a doctor I think must be hard but generally people think that's a pretty good job. And with hard work comes amazing rewards. Having a child on the spectrum is incredibly rewarding. We celebrate every little milestone and achievement that parents of neuro typical children may not even notice.
I pick the places we go out to with the boys carefully, avoiding hazards like busy roads, caves, rivers, ponds, cliffs etc but we get out together A LOT. We go to parks, bush walks, the beach, biking and we have a great time. Ausism does change some things but we adapt and have so much fun together and create great family memories every weekend. I'll put some more photos up and show you!

I wish that when i had been googling autism back in 2010 trying to figure out if that is what was going on with Mikko that I could have found sites not giving awareness or acceptance  but celebrating children like mine. Or at least I hope that anyone who knows me or Mikko who finds themselves receiving a diagnosis of autism for their child doesn't have to feel devastated as perhaps through Mikko they can see how incredible and special their child is and just smile as I do now.